Be my mistake, will you.

today is my typical sunday. where i decide not to go church. it was particularly hot. and seriously i am so sleep deprived. i was dead tired last night, but as soon as i close my eyes, these little bewildered thoughts run across my already troubled mind. seriously, my heart begs them to stop. i am tired.

so i woke up feeling like a zombie. really crappy especially waking up in the heat.

what more having cravings for nasi goreng kampung. i swear my cravings have their swings. (i really can't blog about where i ate stuff who i saw stuff anymore, i don't know why. i can't do the ; i had lunch at ******* with *** and ****) but i can tell you that during lunch, my mother actually repeated about the swine flu hitting the singapore at least thrice! fml.

but she was a great company nonetheless. no one talks to me that way.


me in my sunday dress, sitting at the edge of the bed waiting to flee from house, wth.

i spent last night thinking what company i should work for. so i went on jobstreet. yes, i went on jobstreet a little early. and there was this space where you fill where would like to work. i chose...selangor and kuala lumpur. alongside, i ticked singapore, hong kong, china, india.

that says a lot right?

says a lot on how i felt at that time. how willing i am to work away from everything. don't people just realize this? i just want to dismiss this solitary moment.

cute picture of my just cause there hasn't been one for a long time. cute skirt which was in my cupboard since february till now and untouched.

i was catching grey's anatomy last night. and it quoted 'we're humans, we make mistakes, misestimate and call it all wrong. every step taken then, is like a stitch' (something like that, you think i can remember the whole shit?). i can't agree more.

a friend is telling me over the phone, how much i need someone to share my life with. a part of me wants to agree. a part of me wants someone to laugh with me, someone to cry with me, someone to tell me what to do. but i don't want to be hurt. so much of understanding there's a price to pay, must we pay for love? i didn't sign up for this.

i didn't sign up to get hurt, did i?

at a glance, the pictures made you think it's a happy post. were you being deceived? who knows what's behind a happy cover. is this why clowns are creepy? they draw a smile on their white painted faces, but we can't tell if they're smilling. we can't, can we?

at the end of the day, we're just human as we are. build a defensive shield as time calls for it.


random thought: someone once told me, about a year ago, that everything is temporary. and i was fighting against it. but today, i can't agree more. there's shouldn't be feelings. just numbness on the toes and fingers. that's how it should be. you will get what i mean.

there's always a neat freak fragmant in you! find it.

hello world! i am back. and because previously it was all a wordy-wordy post, this has ... a few pictures. haha. not of myself. do not worry yourself too much. i am just not in the camwhoring mood nowadays.


i am sorry, but has the weather been unkind lately here in malaysia? it's total heat till it excruciates my gentle soul. even i, the heat lover, hates the heat now. come speak of the devil!


so, results were released yesterday. this time it wasn't like before : i wasn't agonising myself, predicting i'd fail. in fact, i knew i would pass. but it was of a question of, how well will i do. (usually this sort of question, only arthur asks) my results were kindly, satisfactory, but not up to par (i am sorry if you had worse results than me, and you are reading this and cursing me, but i really need to buck my stupid cgpa, which seems very stagnant, argh, so sorry, let me repeat, i am not an inconsiderate bitch).


so, as tradition and ritual follows, i did something today (i usually wake up at 2pm, but today i woke up at 1.32pm, because, sigh {the kind of melting sigh}, my childhood lover called me). Melting sigh because...well, some people do have the voice-impact which swoons me over when they call me (other people call, i will have the 'wtf u call me for' type of reaction)


okay sorry, divert back to topic. usually i will not remove my notes/books/papers/slides/whatevers from my study point until results are released. because i always believed, this jinxes my results, wtf right. but wtfs aside, it was sort of a 'what if i fail' matter! sigh, so knowing i didn't fail anything (woohoo, old news!!), i removed everything and reorganized all my notes since curtin hitherto (hitherto means up to now, no need to look in the oxford thx).


such a cute word ain't it : hithertohithertohitherto. i read it in nora roberts.


and oh gosh, i would love to think that i am hardworking now. but boy! i am wrong...i was more hardworking last time.


i had post-it notes on my tutorial answers to remind me what liabilities the criminals are up for, wtf. what an organized freak i must say. but my work is so cute. haha.

imagine i had 41 pages of essays for ONE SUBJECT. haha. extra points and mistakes were written in pink for easy referencing. sobs, i was such a neat freak.

notes were organized from financial accounting to statistics to empirical studies to finance to company law to....now, ob (sobs, i got a distinction, very unexpected).

i love myself. i've been so good (pats own back, because no one pats my back). do you know my parents HAS NEVER asked what's my results since SPM? wtf right. LOA i tell you! too much.


anyway, yes, i was organizing my life this afternoon in the heat! how awesome! next up will be the wardrobe.


i was really gonna talk about girls in high heels and short pants, but i can't find my alter ego right now. i feel so upset, eesh, what's wrong with me! le siggggggggggggggggggggggggh.


bai, follow my twitter. sobs.


Random thought : really, love is not spiteful right? they don't seek revenge. they don't seek for the other party to be sad. we only hope happiness and joy for each other. correct me if i am wrong. i want to pretend everything is okay. i am pretending.

My life is a coincidence.

a glance at the title of my post, you might think that my existance in this little planet is a coincidence. (i have to agree i am sure i am an accidental child, whom my parents didn't plan)

however not. reading a comment from kevin actually gives me an idea to actually write, why am i doing an economics & finance major.

sadly, if you think i would have planned this aeons ago, then you're so wrong. i am not sheng hwang, who actually knew what he wanted since years ago. and i am not arthur, who usually plans on the scholarships to take on. economics&finance wasn't even in my vocab many years ago. this is how i ended up here, almost done with my bachelors degree.

i am sure you would know why i was in pure science, not sub science nor arts.

when i finished my spm, i wanted to do chemical engineering. so i went into foundation in science at help, doing calculus (was shit, but ms chia was...sizzling, fantastic bum). then in the midst of my first semester in science, spm results were released and tensions were running on high i tell you. i expected to do well in chemistry but i nearly flunked it (when i say i flunk something, means i got a B). i was never a straight A student, how unfortunate. but fret not, haha, i was an all-rounder. but lazy! haha. a very crude truth, but i am not afraid to admit! i am humane.

i remember doing not so well in chemistry, and i was utterly disappointed in myself. my chemistry teacher, pn liew (my fav teacher hello, i still wish her happy teacher's day, i am an extremely grateful student, seriously) saw my results and said, science isn't my field and my language results were, very very very well off. and she said i should do arts, not science. i always had respect for what my teachers say, so i considered heavily on what she said.

the following semester, i opted to change from science to foundation in arts. proceeding to do my business subjects. but still economics wasn't my choice. because i always knew since young, i had a thing for writing. i scored a 47/50 on my essay and even suan keng was amazed, he took my essay home to read! haha. wtf. anyway, i write very emotional stories, so one day i shall write it here. my choice back then was to pursue journalism.

if you know, journalism is a rare thing in malaysia. and my sister was against it, saying job opportunities are rare. she suggested economics, and writing financial reports. haha. omg. how 'nice'. so i took on micro and macroeconomics just to see how much i like it. it's fun. common sense. not excited about it, but rather, just a thing i happen to do well in. it was a coincidence.

stocks, equities, futures, forwards, swaps, options, loans, bonds are not my first choices. =)) was never.

i graduated. and i didn't know why i chose metropolitan. it was like a...calling. it's like sleeping one day and waking up the next, already knowing i am heading there. it was a coincidence, but still i went for education fairs and what nots to reaffirm.

when i entered into metro, i was already a month behind schedule for rmit, so instead i picked on curtin hoping to be able to catch up on rmit later on. i was in curtin and in the midst of applying ptptn, i applied for other scholarships as well. star, namingly one, and honda. i actually applied for five scholarships. thank god, i was called for 4 interviews out of the five. i was extremely lucky, and until today, i can't thank god enough, seriously. i was just given the star scholarship form from my sister one day, out of the blues, it was a coincidence.

no one knew i had that many calls because once i got the rmit call, i called off all my other scholarship interviews, including sunway monash. too posh for me, i guess. it wasn't about how posh my uni is, but is where i fit most.

i wasn't very confident because imagine having to compete with people with 12 Hds. i only had 9 distinctions. but i always believed i had an extra something, which not all acing students have, my self-confidence and ability to talk. i was a smooth criminal during the interview.

but i wasn't very keen on the star scholarship. so if you know, star scholarship recipents have to maintain a minimal distinction point. i don't think i can do that. i was instead, offered by ellis (THIS IS WHY I LOVE ELLIS, SHE GAVE ME A SCHOLARSHIP), a metropolitan scholarship. minimal point to achieve : pass. MY LIFE IS UTTER COINCIDENCE.

but half way, they dropped my scholarship, claiming i didn't apply for it. so shikin (my life saviour, i swear jesus loves me), asked me to fill in forms and what nots. days and days of praying and hoping. finally, i got it. fuh. my life is a total coincidence, i swear.

I SWEAR JESUS LOVES ME AND HE SENT SO MANY SAMARITANS ALONG MY PATH. everyday, =)) i still thank god for what he gave me. seriously.

this is how i am here today, with a fairly good enough scholarship with not much requirements. but still allows me to study FOC, nice. doing the major i chose in the end.

hitherto i don't know how can my life be such a coincidence?

xoxo overdose.

i just finished season two of gossip girl. i was a fan of season one i can say. so sorry for the total absence from the blogosphere. i am disappointed that season two is so....boring towards the middle. i mean with the same people dating the same people, it's like back to square one. but as usual i love chuck's and serena's clothes, wtf (that's the whole point of watching right?). and i love love love blair's headbands. haha.

anyways, no spoiler for anyone, just watch it. season three is actually out, and does anyone have it?

secondly, moments before this i was doing an 'emotional intelligence' quiz on fb. which someone asked me to do it. apparently my emotional intelligence isn't high. but i don't know, i find it actually very interesting. i have nil idea what does have high emotional intelligence. let's presume that it means being able to read people's emotions well or, idk. i'm sorry, but i just am not very emotionally driven. IDK why.

hey, does low EQ means having low emotions?? haha. because if that is, now i can tell why i am so brutal and spare no agony. i've been so...... heartless. always have been.

well, business people never allows collusion of emotions and business right?

recently, i've been reflecting a lot. (yes i do reflections) and every break up i've been through, i cried a time or two, and never ever talks about it, not to complete strangers to the situation. maybe a part of me has always loathed sympathy (why do people crave for sympathy? it's yuck and it's...degrading).

four years of pre-u and uni life has taught me a mile. how some people can be trusted, some are just pretentious, some who are truthful to be friends. i mean, wow, this world is definitely made up of a wide variety of people.

anyway, these are a bunch of great people. (someone now is saying all econs&finance students, are evil, because we caused the recession)


Cafe Chulo @ jaya one. not too bad a place. i love love love the potato gratin!

this would have been a pretty shot if...someone's hand wasn't that unstable.

me and jacq the hot! this is jacq's super belated 21st birthday bash. which we carried forward.


very very pretty girls. haha. representative of curtins n rmit. and, AIYAH NO ONE GO CURTIN WAN LAH. curtin-ians to go rmit! curtin was my personal tragedy, i have no idea why i dislike curtin.

anyway, i wish to type more. and update more, but my life has been boring, except for that accident and new clothes. wth. but will be right back, wtf xoxo.

i actually haven't felt smart for the longest time.

this morning was one moment i was overjoyed because i know i did better than expected for ob.

but then tonight, i found out that, even if i try, even if i am intelligent enough, in the end, i am just not.

cause in life there's always a comparison.

but at least i always did the best, i always did my best. and i never gave up.

i never gave up because someone else told me to.

i didn't give up because it was wrong.

because i always fought.

i never gave the excuse that i couldn't do it anymore.

because of all these reasons, no matter how unintelligent i am, i am at my best.

memories ala short's style.

this is a memory post ala short's style. haha. but mine's from 2004. i'm graduating in merely less than 6 months actually. i've grown so so much! and i am actually quite afraid of growing. i am surprised that time actually passes by so quickly.



Church Confirmation Camp @ Camerons Highland which was the best camp ever! but the bathrooms were insanely scary. but i always had nat d'cruz with me, and i actually won Best Actress during drama competition. ok i wont the evangelizing aspect during the day too. haha i still have the prizes.

Confirmation 2004. where i finally completed my program.

what should i name this. haha. this is form 5, and i think i look so much cuter in form 5. haha. sorry, syok sendiri. the usual ponteng session.

form 5 passed by very quickly. this was prom. i was extremely skinny that time due to spm stress. haha.

bidding farewell to chee. beginning of '06. he wanted us to wear school uniform. sorry for the jakun-ness.

HELP university year. this was ben's farewell to philippines to do piloting. he was in the midst of doing his foudation when he left. i miss ah mei. haha.

my sister's wedding in oct '06. abee as my assistant. haha. it was FUN in the middle of the night because we stayed over!

christmas '06 @ laundry. with ee vonn. haha this was my most hated hairstyle, so i always tied it up in a ponytail.

right after curtin sem. i had no memories of curtin. haha. penang!

20th birthday. with aaron.

my first Financial Accounting test, woohoo! haha. i was too excited so i haddddd to take a picture of my results. i barely studied, barely understood the concept of accounting. so i was very proud of myself.

jack's 20th at jack's place!

jin's prom queen celebration, woohoo! this was at pirates ice cream bar, but it closed down, wth.

ipoh '08 which was very very fun! but really, ipoh is not my place. few hours before this picture was taken, i found out i got a HD for my quantitative analysis. woohoo!

impromptu visit to tuna's house after dim sum session. haha. we use to have so much fun. haha.

arthur's drunk day (aka 20th birthday) @ modesto's.

jo's 20th birthday @ fish n co. i like this hairtyle the most and sexy's hairstyle is nicest here. now she's blonde, which is scary.

mei yen's 20th birthday @ ...gasoline. is it? correct me if i'm wrong.

sexy's 20th @ brandon's place. it was tanglung festival as well.

brandon's 20th @ de canter. sei tau kei. the youngest but tallest. hamster! it was supposingly a surprise hello.

sort of farewell for arthur at arthur's place. where we played mahjong!

my 21st, yes, i am the oldest, HOW NOT OBVIOUS RIGHT? haha.

visit to s vien's (sexy no.2) house. which was in putra heights, and i swear you have to pass gunung-ganang and forests to get there. and her house has no signal! oh no. this was one OF THE MANY CNY festival. sorry i won all your friend's money. i went home, very much richer that night.

OB assignment accomplished. haha. i've grown so much!!!!

can i stop growing???

33 fun facts.

*EDITED* haha. sorry i just changed the header, the picture was supposingly for someone, but i guess it quite failed.

i've been wanting to do something out-of-the-box aeons ago.

33 because, 50 is way too many and 10 is no fun. there will be blank notes, because it just simply signifies that i am going to constantly update. fun! haha.

33 fun facts

1. i always check myself out in mirrors/reflective items. haha. extremely vain. doesn't really neccesarily depends on where, but when i mean seriously EVERYWHERE, really everywhere. i mean it. especially in shopping malls. haha. you know, you have mirrors and reflective glasses outside the shops? a-ha.

2. i hate chewing gum and sweets. why do people chew on them? i've seen friends who chew on them for HOURS, don't the gum become soggy after some time? and it becomes tasteless! i haven't chewed on a gum since 12 years old. and i don't consume sweets because i think sweets harm my teeth. i have some kinda 'rotten teeth phobia'.

3. i usually don't mind acting stupid if it makes someone smile. making someone happy makes me feel like someone.

4. i sleep with sleeping eyeshades. and i haven't been sleeping without one for a long time. it has become a habit. please google 'sleeping eyeshades' if you have zilch idea what it is. btw, it's the free thing they give you on airplanes (not air asia).

5. i like to make plans in advance because, i like to plan out my outfits. if i do things spontaneously, i always tend to repeat my outfits, fml man. and i dislike repeating outfits. haha. so if you want to go out with me, please let me know the exact timing. because a girl's gotta get ready, we're not man.

6. i feel absolutely, completely, naked without my watch. so i always wear my watch wherever i go. not wearing a watch makes me feel very naked. i've been wearing a watch since 7 years old. everyday to school, so i am very used to having a watch on my wrist.

7. i cannot differentiate left and right spontaneously. i take like 3 seconds to really tell it's a left or right. and i tell them apart by looking at my watch, my watch is always on my left wrist. haha.

8. i like having time alone. so i don't mind the occasional lone-shopping or the occasional book reading/tv watching etc. but i always make time for myself. either to reflect or relax. and i won't purposely seek for someone to talk to in msn/facebook/sms etc, unless i like you or i am used to talking to you. spending time alone gives me the opportunity to actually feel grounded or humane. if i'm always with someone, i tend to feel very dependent and i hate that kinda feeling.

9. i love post-it notes!!! they're cute and i always wanted someone to leave me cute post-it notes. but i only leave them for myself. how sad. haha. i write everything from addresses to appointments to user steps to phone number to things to do to things to buy to exam schedules on post-it notes! they're adorable. i heart them!

10. i hate people who questions my intelligence. period.

11. i can tolerate heat, but i cannot stand being in the cold. it's excruciating! that really explains the many cardigans, sweaters and pullovers. i am sure everyone has a favourite: the heat or the chill. mine's the heat. thanks!

12. my mother used to say sleeping on a book will make me smart! so when i was young i put books underneath my pillow, thinking i'd be smart. later in life someone told me, it makes me stupid wtfomgbbq man. but i still sleep on books thinking my brains would absorb the knowledge while i was asleep, so screw me. haha.

13. i don't trust easily and i don't believe things/people easily. there's a time to overcome and a sold foundation to build before i can actually believe in someone or something. you can say i am very protective of myself.

14. i like to eat bread! whee. haha. i would choose bread over cookies and biscuits.

15. i have the tendency to reward myself all the time. if you wonder why i like to buy things, i always FIND a reason to buy something. for example, 'i went for all my classes this week, i shall buy myself a pair of shoes' or 'it's been a week since i last bought something, i shall reward myself'. what is a shopping ban for right? i reward my own shopping bans by going shopping! is there some kind of cure for this?

16. you may think i am your usual rihanna-beyonce-britney music fan, but i guess i am a true rocker chick. i love it when the crowd sings along, it usually brings me to tears. haha. i love songs with guitar solos, oh no. occasionally jazz when the time is right. i mean, lady gaga is cute and poker face is adorable, but i just get sick of it very easily.

credits to mindy chung. i love my mraz wannabe picture! i look adow-rable! haha.

dressed up!

this is a girlie post. so if you're a guy, don't stay any much longer okay. actually this is for a blog reader of mine, whom consulted me on a 'dress' dilemma the other day. and she wanted to know what sort of dresses i invest in, wtf.

i was.....ataken back by that statement. challenge. because, really i have no specific dresses i favour.

i was thinking since i was going to take pictures, might as well i just do this on a blog post. wtf. haha. i am sorry, i am no fashionista, but i just happen to like to collect clothes. so see me as a clothes collector.

i, well, have fetish over white/offwhite/cream dresses. they're pretty to look at. but a pain to maintain.

i like white dresses with floral designs or eyelet designs. they're extremely pretty and white coordinates nicely with any other colours!

i like lazy dresses. i have no idea their specific names but these are dresses i put on when i feel lazy or extremely laid back wtf. or when i feel extremely ugly.

more lazy dresses! anyway i don't really wear them. i don't know why i bought them. kimonos are laid back too, because it's such a lazy person's choice.

and i absolutely love empire waistline dresses (baby doll dresses). i mean, it's EXTREMELY me.

i er took a picture with this because i love this particular dress. wtf, i even wore it for company law extra classes, i remember hello. and this was from pull & bear, pavillion. and i bought it back in 2007, long ago! i remember clearly because erm, this is one of the few dresses, which is a good investment. (carry you home is playing and it reminds me sooo much of brandon, hi there!) good investment meaning i've worn it for than five times.

baby doll dresses in gingham prints and floral designs, very very me wtf. i have no idea why i love baby doll dresses. they're extremely versatile i swear. i wear them for shopping. i wear them for movies. i wear them for dinner. i wear them to classes (throw over cardigan). so wtf, i heart baby doll dresses.

very few colourful dresses because i am not an adventurous person. but i do have them because, i sometimes need some colours to make myself happy! apparently i am a boring person, so you can't really rely on me for having purple/fuchsia/orange dresses.

sorry another fetish. why do i have so many of these! haha. wth man. i don't know. um, smocked tube dresses are extremely casual. but easy to throw over with. just that these dresses have appeared to make me look very preggers, so i actually stopped wearing them.

after seeing this, i really should put them to use.

i don't collect floral dresses to the extreme, but i do not mind them. the trouble with floral dresses is that, they appear to make you look older. wtf. is that bad? i don't know. but the floral prints are so cute, sometimes it's hard for me to pass off.

flowy dresses are cute, but i seldom wear them because they appear to be very dramatic. i've only worn this like once? and i do not like long dresses! makes me look, short....sigh. and i never ever wear bubble hemmed dresses. because they're weird.

bandeau coral neck dresses. not my sort of thing. but i still have them. i hunch, so halter dresses don't look extremely too nice on me. but i try not to hunch these days! seriously. i have actually few more halter dresses, but really, i am too lazy to post up pictures. i am sorrrrry!



DRESSES WHICH HASN'T BEEN WORN AND ARE BRAND NEW. wtf man seriously. and i still have dresses which were pre-ordered last week. so, invite me to your party because i have so many dresses to wear.


so seriously, if you asked me what sort of dresses i invest in, i really can't give you a specific answer because i buy whatever that i really fancy in. i have not enough time to put up pictures of the rest. but i still have maxi dresses (what for did i buy them! they make me look short) and other unneccesary dresses. sigh. this jailbrid one is cute, but i've only once it twice i think.

ok, after this post, i have decided to really seriously, stop buying dresses. haha, SERIOUS.

it's extremely late and it's time to sleep. i am sorry if you find me extremely self contented talking about my dresses. but i find this post very self reflecting because, it thought me not to buy anymore dresses.

ps. so brandon! forget about the dresses i asked you to get for me. now i want shoes. haha. will talk to you which colour, but I DOWAN BOTH SAME SHOES!

thank you for taking 5 minutes off you 24 hours to read my dressy post!

yester-years.

today i was at college signing up for my subjects, for my final semester. i mean, TIME FLIES. i remember going to education fair in 2007 and now you tell me i'm doing my final semester. i cannot face the fact though. i've grown so much. and learnt so much. changed so much.


i was just a child, young carefree child once back then.

let's see how i've grown.


i was a very young, pampered child. because i was the youngest, my sister and my mum gave me everything i wanted and i was never caned! the most was just kneeling in front of the altar.

the baby bolster, which i named my blog after. which lived with me up to 21 years. which is now, lying dearly next to my pillow. i wished i was young and had no responsibilities!

back at primary years, this is a prefectorial board picture. i was a prefect for a year till i realized the prefect thing wasn't for me, i settled in for a ketua kelas post. that's sabrina on the left!!! haha, coconut hair wtf. and that's kumutha devi, hi.

this was, form four. during church confirmation night. where's nat d cruz. haha. see, i was leggy back then too! hehe.

candid for LEO. iu director, funding director (very good funding dir.), membership director, kelefeh (wtf, secretary lah) and president! eh i was skinny back then too.

mo jern very imba handsome here. this is form five i think.

i've grown so much, and i don't want to grow!! stop me from growing up.

remind me how i've grown this fast.